The ultimate goal of dating is marriage, but before you get to that step, you need discernment to know if it’s wise to get married to the person you’re dating. One thing that should make you halt and reconsider getting married is if the person you’re dating is too needy. A needy person relies on you for all emotional support. They don’t have healthy friendships, work, or family boundaries. They feel they should be cared for, reassured, and comforted, and should come before your friends, work, or even your family. The needy person can shut off all their other relationships because they feel they have found someone to meet their needs. A needy person can also be jealous that you’re not always engaged with them. They will call, text, or video chat you nonstop to check on you and push you to talk or compliment them. Whenever a needy person is sick, they will be very dramatic, as if they’re on their deathbed and need you to spend tons of money and time to nurse them back to health. What I have described might be the more extreme version of being needy, but there are varying degrees of neediness. But still, take caution and try to discern if the person you’re dating fits into the needy category.
A healthy marriage is made up of two people who know that love does not insist on its own way (1 Corinthians 13:5). Pure love is by those who do not seek their own good but that of their neighbors (1 Corinthians 10:24). It would be hard for a needy wife to submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-24) and it would be hard for a needy husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25-30). Further, you want the person you marry to teach your future children to be content and strong emotionally, and give them a picture of drawing strength from Jesus instead of others.
Are they Needy or Content?
In contrast to neediness, what does a healthy or content Christian look like?
- Fulfilled in Christ – Psalm 73:25-26 describes a person who loves God more than anyone or anything. The psalmist finds total contentment in him. He says, “There is nothing on earth that I desire besides you…God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:25-26). Further, they can say, along with Paul, “Indeed, I count everything as loss [boyfriend/girlfriend included] because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Philippians 3:8). They will agree with Jesus in saying, “Whoever loves [boyfriend/girlfriend] more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). The person who is content in Christ and not needy will love the Lord more than the one they’re dating. For such, Christ will satisfy them, giving them the grace to love a future spouse well (1 John 4:19).
- Steady in Christ – The content person who is not needy is the one who can say, along with Paul in Philippians 4:11-13, “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Christ has become hope-giving, satisfying, and stabilizing for them so that life circumstances, whether low or high, don’t shake them off the Christ-glorifying path. Those who are steady in Christ are content and not needy because Christ is the solid rock foundation of their life (Matthew 7:24-27).
- Honor and Don’t Use You – Romans 12:10 tells us to outdo one another in showing honor to one another. When you honor someone, you respect and find joy in serving them. You will strive to outdo them in showing love (Romans 12:10). A needy person doesn’t show honor but wants to use all of your strength for their benefit.
- Resilient in Christ – A healthy Christian is someone who endures under pressure. They find their strength while waiting on the Lord (Isaiah 40:30-31). In bad times, they, together with the psalmist, “will bless the Lord at all times” (Psalm 34:1). Even though they are hard pressed on every side, perplexed, persecuted, and struck down, they endure (2 Corinthians 4:8-9) because they have seen the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ (2 Corinthians 4:4). The light of the glory of Christ is more glorious to them than any of the darkness and challenges this life can bring. One who is resilient in Christ will not need to find strength in their boyfriend or girlfriend because Jesus is far more glorious and powerful in their sight.
- Rejoices in Sorrow – A healthy Christian finds such contentment in Christ that they can rejoice in sorrow. Jesus encourages believers to rejoice when others hate, exclude, and spurn their names (Luke 6:22-23). The person who goes through such tribulations should rejoice because great is their reward in heaven (Luke 6:23). A true follower of Christ would be thrilled because they would know that they are being perfected (James 1:2-4), which gives them greater fellowship with Christ (Philippians 3:8-11). Jesus is their ultimate treasure (Matthew 22:37), and nothing can separate them from the love of Christ (Romans 8:37-39). A needy person wouldn’t rejoice in sorrow because they are not content in Christ. Their faith is weak if it’s present. They will need you to uphold them, which would likely damage a future marriage.
Take Time Before Getting Married
As you read this list of five marks of a content Christian, you may wonder if such a person exists. The reality is that nobody will tick every box for being a perfectly content and non-needy Christian, but it’s something worth seriously considering and discerning before getting married. Divorce is something that God hates (Malachi 2:16) because marriage is meant to be a picture of Christ’s love for the church (Ephesians 5:31-32). Divorce harms that picture and can leave a bad taste in people’s mouths whenever they think of Jesus and the gospel. When dating, apply wisdom to determine if the person is needy, among other vital issues. Doing so can lead to more wholesome conversations about marriage and healthier Christ-glorifying marriages, no matter how long it takes.
Reference
Ask Pastor John Podcast – https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/on-codependent-dating-relationships
