Having observed through numerous articles here how fallen humanity is, it’s undeniable that we are all prone to err. Romans 3:10 lays it out plainly: “None is righteous, no not one.” John, in 1 John 1:8, adds emphasis by asserting that if we say we have no sin, we lie to ourselves, and there is no truth in us. With this, we can safely conclude that there will be events when we sin against other people. In such instances, there are proper ways offenders should behave; among them is apologising with the adjective ‘sorry’.
Since the whole point of saying ‘sorry’ is to express regret and remorse, let us explore how to say it correctly and delve deeper into its gospel implications.
How Not to Say ‘Sorry’
(a) The Empty ‘Sorry’
I am sure many of us have seen the many memes encouraging men to apologize to their wives, even when the wives are in the wrong. This, as they say, is for peace’s sake. “Happy wife, happy life!” they say. As a wife, I usually view such flippant messaging with utter disdain. How devastated I would be to learn that my husband’s apologies were meant just to pacify my ego. It would undermine the whole logic of an apology and ultimately prove unloving. As I will continue to uncover, a heartfelt apology must stem from a defined heart posture (Psalm 51:4). Instead of blurting out an empty ‘sorry,’ how about having that difficult conversation that may be what you actually need for this real and lasting joy you seek.
(b) The Sorry Withheld
The human flesh, as Paul aptly describes it in Romans 7:15, is a complex thing to muster apart from its Master. In my case, for instance, admitting error doesn’t come naturally, despite knowing it is a good thing that I even appreciate in others. For many of us, instead of saying the word, it is easier to move on with life as though nothing ever happened or give a gift, an expensive one even. Despite all this effort, the necessity and impact of saying ‘sorry’ cannot be ignored. The word just must be said, the offense just must be confessed. There is no other way around it. This lack of ease with apologizing only affirms how fallen and in need of God’s grace we are. Fortunately, this redeeming grace is available to those who seek it (Jeremiah 29:13-14, Matthew 7:7, Luke 11:9).
A Proper Apology
So, how should a proper apology sound like? We will look at the Bible for a few helpful models.
(a) The Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-21)
Upon squandering all his inheritance in reckless living, the prodigal son finally comes to his senses. Having borne the weight of his rebellion, he decides to humbly return to his father to face the consequences of his actions. He even takes time to rehearse the apology that he plans to give his father: I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. Treat me as one of your hired servants.” And true to his word, he says the exact words to his elated and very forgiving father.
The prodigal son’s apology was undoubtedly heartfelt, as seen in the admission of his great sin. He confesses that his sin was not only against his father but also against God. He then suggests a most favourable sentence for his transgression. This apology demonstrates a complete turnaround in character. Haughty, he left, and humble, he returned.
(b) David (Psalm 51:1-5)
“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin! For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you may be justified in your words and blameless in your judgment. Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me.” David wrote these words as an ode to God for a grave sin he had committed (the whole story is found in 2 Samuel 11-12:1-23). God, by his great mercy, had helped David see his sin.
Additionally, David faced a serious consequence for his sin. All these events brought David to his knees before God, where he poured out his heart and asked for forgiveness. He knew the One he had ultimately sinned against was God, even though human beings were involved. He understood the gravity of his sin. This realisation must be at the core of every sincere apology.
(c) Joseph’s Brothers (Genesis 50:17)
Joseph had already shown all the signs of having forgiven his brothers for selling him out when he was younger. However, the guilt of his brothers’ sin still lingered. This was a clear indication that they had realized the weight of their sin. It was hard for them to believe that Joseph had forgiven them that easily. Upon the death of their father, they suspected that Joseph would “hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him.” (Genesis 50:15b) They then go ahead and craft a message that they purpotted was from their father: ‘Say to Joseph, “Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.”’ And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.” (Genesis 50:17) This text, without a shadow of a doubt, shows the sincerity of heart in Joseph’s brothers, even though marred with a little bit of self-preservation. Their sin was still before them, and they wanted to ensure that Joseph understood how deeply remorseful they were.
Before asking for forgiveness, ensure that you are fully aware of the offense you committed. Watch out that you are not just saying ‘sorry’ because you got caught, or to escape punishment. It must come from a genuine desire to mend a broken relationship and turn away from wrongdoing.
(d) Job (Job 42:1-6)
“Then Job answered the Lord and said: “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. ‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’ Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. ‘Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.’ I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes.” These are Job’s words, spoken to the Lord when God confronts him with the truth, exposing his ignorance of who God really is and his place in the Universe. Once Job realizes how small he was, he despises himself and repents. This comes after he declares his careless use of words before God.
Job’s apology models the humility of openly declaring our transgressions. This helps us come to terms with our error once again, even in the hearing of the one(s) we have offended. Apart from demonstrating humility, it testifies to the seriousness with which we view our sin.
(e) Zacchaeus (Luke 19:8)
Zacchaeus, the tax collector, exemplifies a different approach. He backs up his words with actions: “And Zacchaeus stood and said to the Lord, “Behold, Lord, the half of my goods I give to the poor.” And if I have defrauded anyone of anything, I restore it fourfold.” Where applicable, restoring goods or services may be necessary to make an apology complete.
In summary, understanding the underlying principles behind these apologies is crucial for determining which kind of apology to offer in different situations. At the bottom line, every genuine ‘sorry’ must begin from a changed heart. Whatever follows this heartchange, especially for the believer, will be guided by the wisdom of the Spirit of God.
The Saving ‘Sorry’
For the unbeliever, having already seen that all sin is first committed against a Holy God, it is important to run to him first. Before figuring out what to say to that mortal human being, turn to the gracious, eternal God and seek his pardon first. His forgiveness matters much more. Seek him while you can still find him.