Picture yourself having a father (or mother) who is well-loved and honoured. He is all jolly and welcoming on Sundays. Just about everyone at church holds him in high regard because of his exemplary character. However, at home, behind closed doors, he takes on an entirely different persona. He becomes mostly angry and unapproachable. He is anything but the person your churchmates know.
While thanks to grace, so many of us get to enjoy the presence of Christian parents both in the home and at church, the reality is that the experience of countless others is just as described above. How should such be encouraged to handle their parent(s), or any other relations, for that matter?
We cannot offer help until we have first appreciated the great difficulty that any victim of such duplicity faces. Given the opportunity to counsel, we must endeavour first to put ourselves in their shoes. In so doing, we can simulate the emotions that their particular circumstance would elicit, even if not exhaustively. This then puts us on the path of empathy, even bearing each other’s burdens, as commanded in Galatians 6:2.
Oftentimes, the victim will be tempted to repay evil for evil (Romans 12:17), supposing it an easier path to simply ‘cut off’ his parent, as they say these days. This could imply living as though such relations never existed or loving them from afar. But these aren’t God-glorifying paths.
The following are key Bible-backed recommendations to encourage brethren with relations who aren’t Christians at home.
Persist in Godliness
The first and most crucial biblical directive that comes to mind is from 1 Peter 3:1-2, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” It is clear that the verse addresses wives. Peter implores wives to be subject to their own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word of God, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives: their respectful and pure conduct. Just as the godly wife holds sway over her husband, so should the godly child over his parents.
Be Subject to Your Parents
Despite the outright inconsistency you may see in your parent(s), you must determine to stay faithful to God’s instruction. Ephesians 6:1-3 instructs children to obey and honour their parents, promising that all may go well with them and that they will live long. Honor your parents so that even if they do not obey the word of God, they may be won without a word, by the conduct of their children (1 Peter 3:1-2). Perhaps your respectful and pure conduct may be all they will need to be brought to obey Christ at all times, and not just when in church.
Ultimately, a born-again believer in such a situation must never forget that they are God’s child first. Thankfully, Abba, our good Father, is never-changing (Malachi 3:6). What he was yesterday is what he is today, and what he will be forevermore (Hebrews 13:8). Subject yourself to your parent(s) as unto God. He sees!
Speak Lovingly Yet Honestly
When opportunities for conversation arise, ask God for wisdom to be respectful and loving while also being honest. This may be easier said than done. However, in such situations, we always have the option to ask God for grace to find the right words to say, as promised in Matthew 10:19. Desist from the temptation to put on a front for the sake of peace. It is good to be peacemakers, for the scriptures command us to be so, and we shall be called sons of God (Matthew 5:9). Nevertheless, we must appreciate that there is a thin line between being peacemakers and people pleasers. Christ was a master at toeing this line. He never held back from defining his purpose here, even to his own mother and father: “And he said to them, ‘Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?'” (Luke 2:49). Honoring our parents should never be taken to mean that we court a fear that cripples truth, especially when our parents need it most.
Maintain a Warm Atmosphere As Far As It Depends on You
As a child who can see through a parent’s pretense, it can be tempting to withdraw and harbour bitterness. The frustration levels here can be immense. However, God, even in such instances, still calls us to remember that we are his children first (John 1:12-13), then our parents’. This reality must bring us to a place of joy, even in affliction. Therefore, “…so far as it depends on you, live peacably…” with your parents (Romans 12:18). Maintain a warm countenance and be welcoming of fellowship with them. Who knows! Through your joyful endurance, God might provide opportunities for life-changing conversations with otherwise unapproachable parents or relatives at home.
Pray
Above all, pray! Hints of it have been scattered throughout the preceding sections. Nevertheless, the place of prayer in this whole situation cannot be overemphasised. We must turn to the Lord for help. Going at it alone equates us to the builders and watchman of Psalm 127:1. Unless God goes ahead of you, you will quickly run out of strength and patience in your dealings with such parents. The following are some ways you could consider praying.
- Pray for strength to honour your parent(s) as the Bible commands, despite the inconsistencies.
- Ask God for the wisdom of speech. To know exactly what to say, and sometimes what not to say, without fear of man.
- Ask that God would keep bitterness away from your heart.
- Trust God for grace to repay evil with good (Romans 12:21).
- Ask God to surround you with trusted brethren who will encourage and stir you up unto love and good works even as you go through this journey (Hebrews 10:24-25).
- Continually plead with God for a change of heart in your parent(s) or relative.
I do not write to assure you of a heart change in your parents; God alone can grant that as he wills. My goal is to provide hope and point you to your ultimate source of strength. May God supply you with all the wisdom and comfort you need.