“I think I can change his mind. Our relationship will help him in his walk of faith, and what better way to connect than in a dating relationship? Maybe through me, God could save her? I mean, why live in ‘isolation’? Is it not hypocrisy?” Have you ever caught yourself oscillating between these ideas? We will take a deep dive and tackle the roots of the questions mentioned above.
The Talking Stage
Whenever we meet someone new of the opposite gender, of course, a myriad of questions pop into our minds. We often want to know almost everything about them: what their favourite colour is, what their hobbies are, what they do in life, their ambitions and plans, etc. As interesting as all these queries are, the most fundamental question for any Christian to ask would be their spiritual stand. Here are a few helpful pointers on how to go about this critical stage.
1. Is He Born Again?
Wouldn’t this be a meaty discussion to have on the first date? Phrasing it should be easy. A simple “Are you born again?” or if you know they are, then ask, “Tell me your salvation story” to get to know them more. Ask about their life before being born again and their journey as a believer. Honest conversations around these questions can help you understand each other’s convictions. If they are not yet born again, it would be an excellent opportunity to share the Gospel and your belief in Christ as we have been commanded. The Bible charges us not to be equally yoked with non-believers (2 Corinthians 6:14-18. It is crucial to answer this question from the onset so that you are well-advised on the way forward early enough before anyone gets their hopes up too high.
2. Where Does She Go to Church?
A Bible-believing church with faithful ministers who preach the Gospel is essential in every believer’s life. If a potential partner is attending a church where they are rebuked, corrected, and admonished according to the scriptures (2 Timothy 3:16-17), best believe they then are being made into the likeness of Christ if their hearts are not hardened to its truths (2 Corinthians 3:18, Hebrews 3:15). If they do not go to a Bible-believing church (or worse, they don’t go to any church at all) and claim to be a believer, it would be best to give such a one time to grow in their faith. Saying yes to such a partner would be a compromise on your convictions regarding how crucial church attendance is, because it absolutely is (Hebrews 10:24-25).
3. Does He Study Scripture and Pray?
Sometimes, people in school lie that they passed their tests without having read for them. I call it a lie because how could one know what to write in an examination without having prior exposure to the required answers? The same could be said of Christians who claim to have faith in Christ yet do not read their Bibles; how can they know what is required of them (Psalm 119:10-13)? The same goes for those who persist in prayerlessness; where and how else would they be casting their cares (Luke 22:46)? Having someone whose first strategy in resolving conflict is by inviting you to pray together and even for one another is a good indicator of a prayerful heart posture that relies on the wisdom that comes from God.
4. How Does She Practically Live Out Her Faith?
We are called unto good works, and faith without evidence of good works is vain. (James 2:17, Ephesians 2:10). You can ask how they participate in church and what their thoughts are on giving, helping the needy, serving in the places they are at, such as work, etc. These questions will help you weigh whether their Christianity is practical. Having a partner who lives as unto the Lord and serves as Christ demonstrated will build you up significantly. This does not mean that they have to do things perfectly. That fixed gaze on Christ will show through their day-to-day actions—that’s what counts.
5. To Whom is He Accountable?
Show me an island, and I will show you the waters surrounding it that can easily make it nonexistent. A famous saying goes, “No man is an Island.” No one can live out the Christian walk alone and claim to be self-sufficient. Christ himself walked with disciples in his ministry life. The community one surrounds themselves with matters; bad company ruins good morals (1 Corinthians 15:33). While getting to know your potential suitor, honour invites to hangouts they may have with their friends. Such platforms could offer you an opportunity to learn more about the community around them. A godly community would hold you both accountable to follow the righteous path, especially when temptation seems to give way. Godly friends will offer you people to confess to and, in doing so, help you flee the tempter (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
Why Faith Counts
There are many merits to dating a man or woman of right standing who challenges you spiritually.
1. God’s Glory
Well, first, because the ultimate goal in all we do in this life, even dating, must be to the glory of God (1 Corinthians 10:31). Our eternity depends on every choice; hence, dating cannot be dismissed. We cannot date how the world does it: kissing every frog before we get the prince. Our agreement to date should be based on a solid consideration of our spiritual walk with the Lord.
2. Sexual Purity
Dating right involves maintaining sexual purity. What do your texts and calls look like? Are they full of perverse talk, or are your passions towards each other a testament to the fruit of self-control (James 1:14-15)? A partner keen on maintaining sexual purity will not suggest or agree to circumstances that would lead to a sexual fall. For instance, solo home visits must be avoided at all costs, and if necessary, friends should be present (2 Timothy 2:22).
3. Accountability
In matters accountability, a godly partner should understand how crucial it is to have fellow believers and older couples involved in the dating journey to steward and mentor you in readiness for the next stage (Job 12:12). Find older couples that are mature in the faith whose wisdom can help you navigate the challenges of dating. The issues that are out of hand can be presented before a sitting of church elders.
4. A Clearly Defined Goal
Date someone who understands that the end goal of any dating relationship should be marriage (Ephesians 5:31-32). The “Date to Try,” “Come we Try,” or “Come we Stay” scenarios must not be heard among Christian brethren (Ephesians 5:3). A proper dating relationship involves intentionally walking with a partner as you grow in vulnerability as you aim for God’s design in marriage. Having a partner who understands this fact will remove any sense of uncertainty about the destiny of the relationship. As you enjoy the time you spend together, you will find yourselves moving forward thoughtfully rather than idly over long periods, which can be retrogressive.
It is not always that a dating relationship would end in marriage. In a fallen, sinful world, heartbreaks are inevitable. However, being with someone grounded in Christ would be of great comfort if it ends. Things that may cause a relationship to end are vast and are still bound in God’s sovereign design. Ending a relationship with a mature partner will look completely different than with an immature person. As Christians, we must never forget that the Lord has called us to live peaceably with one another. Therefore, even during breakups, we must strive to part ways amicably (Romans 12:18).
Thus, dear saint, please don’t allow yourself to get distracted by the mere thrill of meeting new people. Hold fast to God and ask him for wisdom to choose a partner with whom you will live boldly for his glory, spurring each other daily unto love and good works (Hebrews 10:24).
