Meet Pam and Connie. Pam, as her friends describe her, is laid back and always ready to go with the flow. Her answer is always ‘Yes’. Pam never has strong opinions about anything, so her friends know ‘they can always count on her’. Connie, on the other hand, is gentle yet firm. She readily puts the interests of her friends first, even when it costs her. She, however, knows to say ‘No!’ when she needs to. Connie’s friends understand that her kindness is an overflow of her love for the Lord.
Pam and Connie each represent two sides of typical interpersonal relationship dynamics: people pleasers and those who obey God’s command to count others as more significant (Philippians 2:3). The goal of this article is to demystify people pleasing with the help of Scripture and show the better way forward: counting others more significant than ourselves.
People Pleasing
A people pleaser, as defined by the Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary & Thesaurus, is someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them and always wants others to approve of their actions. Pam fits into this definition like a glove. Her lack of strong opinions and saying ‘yes’ to everything depicts one who prioritises being liked by others. It’s very easy to be a people pleaser, as we shall see in the following examples from the Bible.
Aaron (Exodus 32)
Moses had spent quite some time up Mt. Sinai in a meeting with the Lord. When the people saw that he was taking too long, they decided to take matters into their own hands and make for themselves another god. Despite recently being consecrated as a priest of the Most High God (Exodus 29), Aaron had no qualms about bowing down to the demands of the ungrateful children of Israel (Exodus 32:1-3). He made them a golden calf, and weren’t they pleased (Exodus 32:4)! This was in direct defiance of Exodus 20:3-4. Aaron should have known better, right?
However, how many of us, if in Aaron’s shoes, would have stood up against a mass of people shouting, “Up, make us gods who shall go before us”? Not an easy feat, indeed.
Saul (1 Samuel 15)
The chapter begins with Samuel giving Saul very clear instructions from God: to destroy the Amalekites and all they had. As we go further down the text, we see Saul defying God. He spares Agag, the king of the Amalekites, the best of sheep, oxen, fattened calves, lambs, and all that was good. For this offence, God does not spare him. He sends Samuel with stern words of reproach against Saul. In 1 Samuel 15:22-23, Samuel says, “Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of divination, and presumption is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the LORD, he has also rejected you from being king.” Saul’s response in 1 Samuel 15:24 exposes the people pleaser he was, “I have sinned, for I have transgressed the commandment of the LORD and your words, because I feared the people and obeyed their voice.”
At the heart of people pleasing is a greater fear of being rejected by man than the fear of being rejected by God. Because he valued man’s approval more, Saul saw it fit to obey the voice of the people rather than stick to what God had commanded.
Judas (Matthew 26:14-16)
Judas Iscariot, one of the disciples of Christ, went to the chief priests, who we had earlier been told were planning to kill Jesus (Matthew 26:1-5). Judas asked the chief priests what they would give him if he delivered Jesus to them. At this, the chief priests paid Judas 30 pieces of silver. Judas would then fulfil his end of the bargain by betraying his Master. It’s the vanity of his actions that consumed him in the end (Matthew 27:3-5).
This portion of Scripture exposes another characteristic of people pleasers: vain, selfish ambition. On the surface, they may appear to be serving the interests of others. However, when you dig a little deeper, the main ore bears conceit.
If we are honest with ourselves, when relating to other people, we will find ourselves caving into people-pleasing tendencies like Aaron due to peer pressure, fear of man like Saul or selfish ambition like Judas Iscariot. However, the good news is that all is not lost. Let’s look to the same scriptures for a remedy.
Counting Others As More Significant
Christ commands us to love our neighbours as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39, Mark 12:31). So how do we do this? Paul, in Philippians 2:3-4, breaks it down for us: “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others.” This command is essentially asking us to avoid being what Aaron, Saul and Judas were. In Aaron’s case, for example, he served the interests of others but in defiance of the very law of God that he was to obey. Saul heeded man’s word instead of God’s word. Judas, on the other hand, betrayed his own Master due to conceit and selfish ambition.
The following examples from the Bible can help us gain more insight into what counting others as more significant really looks like.
Joseph
Joseph, one of the children of Jacob, had an interesting relationship with his brothers. Things got so bad that his own siblings opted to sell him out to a far-off land just to get rid of him (Genesis 37:28). After a while, Joseph’s brothers would find themselves at his mercy (Genesis 42-44). Instead of launching sweet revenge against his brothers, considering all the power he now had, Joseph, in humility, counted them more significant than himself.
Instead of giving them what they deserved, Joseph opted to honour God by forgiving his brothers. Genesis 45 highlights how different Joseph’s outlook on the whole matter was. He chose to focus on God’s bigger picture than the evil his brothers had done to him.
Paul
Still, in Philippians, Paul shows us the kind of heart posture to have when counting others as more significant. He writes, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labour for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus because of my coming to you again.” (Philippians 1:21-26)
Paul here does not hold back from sharing what his desire is, dying in order to be with Christ. However, in counting others as more significant than himself, he chooses to remain in the flesh on their account. For the Philippians’ progress and joy in the faith, Paul happily opts to live. It’s not as though Paul knew his hour of departure from the earth. However, Paul’s agenda with this text was to expose his heart posture: total devotion to Christ and service to his people.
Jesus
Now, to our ultimate example, Jesus Christ, “who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on the cross” (Philippians 2:6-7). Romans 5:8 explains the reason behind Christ’s death on the cross thus: “but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Jesus chose to leave all his splendour and majesty to come down and save us from our sins. We certainly did not deserve it, yet he, God and King, chose to count us as more significant. Because of the grace and mercy that God showed us through Christ, “we have now received reconciliation” (Romans 5:11). Oh, such good news!
Psychology may offer various remedies against people-pleasing while connecting it to past experiences, like your parent’s emotional unavailability. However, no cure goes to the root of the issue like the gospel does. We know that when we come to Christ, we become new creatures, able to do all things through him who strengthens us (2 Corinthians 5:17, Philippians 4:13). Like Connie, may our love and service for others come from an overflow of hearts full of love for the Lord. Whenever we are unsure how to toe the line between people pleasing and counting others as more significant, may these words from Andrew Naselli and J.D. Crowley’s book, Conscience, keep us in check: “The choice is not between pleasing people and pleasing God, but pleasing others and pleasing yourself. Christian freedom is not “I always do what I want.” Nor is it “I always do whatever the other person wants.” It is “I do what brings glory to God. I do what brings others under the influence of the gospel. I do what leads to peace in the church.”
Go on then, saint, to love and serve others boldly for the glory of God.
