In my few years of counselling young people on matters relationships, it has become apparent that one of the causes of many broken marriages is people taking the marriage union lightly. Many people get into marriage without truly counting the cost. Some enter marriage imagining it will be a happily-ever-after, fairytale-like experience. Unsurprisingly, many will opt out at the slightest inconvenience.
To prevent a similar fate, learning some things you must consider before walking down the aisle might be helpful. My hope is to offer necessary caution and a reason to hold on even when expectations go unmet.
1. You are Never Fully Prepared
It’s always delightful to see young people investing their time and money in good resources and programmes to equip them for a successful life of marriage. There is indeed a lot to learn, and in this age of the Internet, information is always just a click away. All it takes is curiosity, and you will get all the information you need. However, we must be careful not to put our trust in these programmes and resources. These are only man-made tools, and some of them, sadly, are only after your money. If you’re lucky to land on a good one, it will point you where you must look to for the rest of your married life.
Your Anchor
Marriage, like life, is bound to throw unexpected curve balls your way. I am not saying it is pointless to prepare. Arm yourself by all means, but be sure to be clothed with the right armour (Ephesians 6:11). Even though we may not know what the future holds, let us step into marriage with our future entrusted to the One who knows all things. He is faithful.
2. A Split Devotion
To a large extent, marriage will eat into your freedom. Your time will no longer be yours to spend as you wish. The happy-go-lucky spirit regarding where you go and when you return home will not be favourable in the marriage set-up. Here’s what Paul had to say about this reality of marriage in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35: I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. In other words, Paul is shedding light on the cost of marriage on your time and even your service to the Lord.
Your Anchor
It is crucial to keep this in mind when entering marriage so that you’re aware of the implications that marriage will have on your schedule and routines. Hence, in marriage, you should be ready to adjust and adopt. Fortunately, God’s word is replete with prescriptive texts on how to conduct oneself in marriage (Ephesians 5:22-33, Titus 2:4-5, 1 Peter 3:1-7). Aim to have clarity on these scriptural texts and others before entering marriage.
3. Your Sinfulness will be Exposed
Even amid the joy and bliss of any relationship, there will always be conflict and misunderstanding. This becomes even more pronounced in marriage because of the extra closeness. Due to the frequent interactions, friction becomes inevitable. When conflict erupts, you may come face-to-face with each other’s flaws. Some will be bearable, others pretty ugly. All in all, these are to be expected.
Your Anchor
If you’re still at the relationship level, having in-depth conversations about conflict and how to resolve it is helpful. Be encouraged to face unpleasant and hard conversations head-on early enough, making sure to resolve conflict maturely. This can provide good opportunities to get to know each other better. In some cases, conflict can be a good litmus test to gauge your suitability for one another. Christians should view conflict as an exam to evaluate how much you or your partner have grown in the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:20). An upward trajectory towards Christlike character is a good sign, while a stunted growth in character filled with blatant repeat offences is a red flag.
In a marriage, spouses must uphold forgiveness and the art of overlooking offences. It is easier to offer forgiveness when one comes to terms with their sinfulness. A self-righteous heart will likely have great difficulty forgiving since the individual has yet to come to terms with the much they have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). For the offender, they must be truly repentant of their sin, remembering that in wronging their spouse, they first wrong God (Psalm 51:4, Genesis 39:9). Hence, they must trust God for strength to resist sinning against their spouse in that manner again. At the bottom line, for a marriage to thrive, both parties must be quick to overlook offences. In other words, spouses must seek wisdom from God to know the right hills to die on.
4. Your Spouse Will Change
Scary as this might sound, it is a reality. My spouse is not the same man I got married to, and neither am I the same woman he married. With time, you may notice that your spouse will change for the better in some areas and may not be doing as well in others. This is to be expected.
Your Anchor
To be clear, only God is unchanging and immutable (Psalm 102:27). Human beings, on the other hand, can change or be changed based on circumstances and many other factors. Hence, before entering marriage, ensure that you’re completely comfortable with who your partner is presently. Indeed, you may not know what the future holds, but don’t put God to the test by getting into marriage with doubts about your partner. Take time to know someone well before even getting into a relationship with them. Ask God for wisdom to discern the right person to enter marriage with (James 1:5).
5. Your Eyes and Heart will be Tempted to Turn Elsewhere
In as much as the 10 commandments are clear about God’s stand on adultery (Exodus 20:14), the vice is still rampant, even among Christians. It is helpful for those entering marriage to appreciate the possibility of struggles with lust and adultery. We must also note that spouses are especially more vulnerable to these vices during times of conflict.
Your Anchor
Here’s what Hebrews 13:4 says about adultery, “Let marriage be held in honour among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” God holds the marriage institution in such high regard, and so must we. Early enough, get candid about the subject of adultery and put up guardrails that will prevent either of you from falling. While at it, remember that adultery begins in the mind (Matthew 5:27-28). To arrest adulterous temptations at the mind level, be each other’s keepers by encouraging heartfelt confession of sin (James 5:16). Refer to point 3 above to be reminded of the attitudes of heart that will aid in this practice. Much care should be taken in this area so that confession is not viewed flippantly. If this happens, the depth and seriousness of sin are lost, making the moments of confession pointless rather than impactful. Also, do not forget that adultery is first sin against a Holy God, your own body, and then your spouse (Genesis 39:9, 1 Corinthians 6:18, Proverbs 6:32). Make a covenant with your eyes, like Job (Job 31:1), to not let lust have its way in your heart.
6. You Will Have Work To Do
Finally, marriage is work. You must expect two kinds of work in a marriage: sustaining a vibrant marriage and raising godly offspring (Ephesians 4:2-3, 6:4, Malachi 2:15).
Your Anchor
A thriving marriage does not happen automatically. It requires active reliance on God’s wisdom and guidance. Much of what I have mentioned above provides helpful pointers on sustaining a joyful marriage.
Raising godly offspring also requires total reliance on God. This means that raising children according to the ways of the Lord must be among the top priorities of any union. A couple is responsible for raising godly offspring, whether their own or those of other people. This call can also be looked at from the evangelistic point of view. Either way, more souls must be pointed to the good news of the gospel: that fallen humanity, which was once alienated from God because of the disobedience of our original parents, can now be fully reconciled to God if one believes in the Son of God who died on the cross in our stead (Romans 3:23, 6:23, 5:8; John 3:16). May you ever zealously point the children that God brings your way to this precious Fountain of everlasting life (Deuteronomy 6:6-9).
In light of everything discussed above, it is safe to conclude that marriage will not be a bed of roses. Marriage, being God’s idea, not Hollywood’s, is intended to grow you into the likeness of Christ (Ephesians 5:26) in readiness for the Day of the Lord (1 Corinthians 1:7-8). Keep these in mind even as you look forward to your highly anticipated wedding day. May the Lord bless your marriage ahead with his wisdom and sustaining grace.
