To you, my beloved,
Hello, I hope this finds you well and alive. I am writing this as a testimony to tell you of my pains for my taking the life of my own child, and healing after that. Yes, I am writing it with tears and still with the confidence of forgiveness.
Let us begin. It was the period after High School and Campus. I remember meeting my mother on her way home from work. It was on a Saturday evening, and I just had to say that I was going to buy something from the market. But it was all lies; I had just started feeling heavy. I had decided to see a lab technician for a pregnancy test. The test came out positive. I had never thought of myself as a young mother. All I thought of was the reaction my mother would have; The disappointment and the anger at the same time. I feared the rejection that I would get.
I never thought about the child in my womb. I never realized there was another person in me who mattered. The lab technician proposed that I should have an abortion, reminding me that he knew my mother well and the reaction she would have. Indeed he knew my mum well; he had treated us since I was young. So he scheduled me for the abortion procedure the coming week. I was now hopeful that I was joining campus like other girls and not as a mother. Never in my life had I been near the Eastlands of Nairobi except for shopping at Eastleigh.
The Abortion Clinic
Now I was there in Dandora for a different mission. Dandora was the place to get a backstreet abortion. The way to the clinic had so many twists and turns that still today; I could not trace it. Suddenly we were in a makeshift clinic. It was a one-roomed clinic, and they had partitioned the reception area with cardboard. The cupboard was facing the front on the entrance and the reception area, behind it was the operation room where I would lose my child through abortion.
There were three of us waiting for the doctor to call us in for the procedure. We sat on the bench in the waiting area. I was the first to go into the dimly lit operation room with a bed while the operating instruments were on the bedside. On the right corner was a small stinking toilet. I couldn’t even see the doctor’s face; the place looked like a torture room. It was like a scene of a horror film. The lab technician was also present, but not very sympathetic.
The Painful Procedure
They began the procedure, and without anaesthesias or any painkillers, they operated on me. Torture it was, the pain was so excruciating. Never have I felt so much pain as I did that day. I remember crying out my heart during the procedure, I wished they would stop, but at that point, there was no retreat. No one had prepared me for the pain I went through, and definitely, I wasn’t ready for the emotional distress after that day. Whenever I think of the pain, my body shivers and teardrops flow from my eye to my cheeks. How could I, I wonder?
I chose to close that chapter of my life, never open or revisit it. In campus, I fell into a depression to the point that I had difficulty making friends. I spent most of my nights crying myself to sleep and to wake up in tears. My eating habits grew worse by the day, and I lost a lot of weight. To cover the pain, I got myself busy with activities on the campus. With time, I was battling depression, sadness and anxiety. I had hit rock bottom; I wanted to start over.
One day I acknowledged my sin to the one who cares the most about me, the one who even after murdering my child loves me. He did not allow any complications, death, or harm to befall me during or after the abortion procedure though I deserved it. He is God, my redeemer (Galatians 3:13-14, Galatians 4:4-5). I got born again, and I am no longer a slave of my past (2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans 6:6-7). But I still battled with the question of whether God actually forgives everything-The baffle of all minds. Did he forgive me from my many sins and the vilest of all, taking my child’s life? The life of the gift he gave me to love and cherish.
I thought that I have to earn forgiveness. I had to work for God to find joy, peace and friendships I wanted and now have. I devoted myself to serving God in church and kept myself busy with the things of God. I had to make sure I had the right standing with God by my service to him. I believed that deep down, I am earning His attention and forgiveness. Five years later, I still had not healed from the wounds of abortion and doubted God’s mercy. I had perfected the art of covering the wound from abortion and ignoring them and the pain they caused me. Until I found a friend who introduced me to New Beginnings Crisis Pregnancy Centre where I found a person who I talked to, and she made it her life purpose to walk with me through the journey of healing.
Restoration Through Bible Study
Through a study at the centre called “Forgiven and Set Free,” I was able to understand and believe that God had and has forgiven me (2 Corinthians 5:21). Now I know there is nothing I could do to earn it; God willing chose to forgive and forget all my sins when I repented and only by faith, (not my acts of service) He saved me (Ephesians 2:8). I no longer struggle with the devil’s lies and condemnation, for I know that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Through this study, I learned that nothing could separate me from the love of God (Romans 8:37-39. God loves me, and he loved me while I was yet a sinner (Romans 5:8). How much more now? That is why God forgave me. Therefore, God will not allow any weapon fashioned against me to prosper neither will he let anything come in between me and His love for me (Romans 8:38).
I would still be holding on to ‘my little secret’. Were it not for God, prompting me to talk about it with someone; I would still be in misery. I stand and say it was and is still God’s doing. God has placed people and institutions like New Beginnings in our lives so that we can get help from them. Iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17), and the prayer of a righteous person achieves much- especially when you are struggling with sin and forgiveness (James 5:16).
God Forgives & Restores
My testimony resonates with many of you who are struggling with the pains of post-abortion. It might be you or a friend, a girlfriend or a fiance, a wife, a sister or a colleague. I would like you to know that God can heal you if you seek him and all his righteousness. Now I am living a totally transformed life. Initially, I lived a defeated life, and more than once, I fell in sin. But now, The Lord is enabling me to walk in purity, and I trust he will for the rest of my life.
For the lady who can relate to this story, you are more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. He loves you unconditionally, and He has set before you the path to salvation. It is only in Him that you can be made whole. If you need help, please feel free to call or text the New Beginnings Crisis Pregnancy Centre +254780733288.
Beloved of Christ